Im feeling so useless.
I feel lyk a helpless bastard. i feel im disappointing too many ppl.
ppl who haf put so much hope on me, ppl who tries so hard to change me.
ppl who care. & ppl who forgave me so many times.
This morning lectured by Miss Chua, she said im nt paying attention to my work, im doing crap.
& she said im too playful.
Initially i treated it as nags, i thought miss chua was nagging.
But then i thought thru. Miss Chua didnt scold me, she tried to change me. she wanted me to change cuz she care.
She has been so good, she has been a 2nd mother to me, yet i nvr realised & even thought she was interrupting too much.
Now to think of it im the motherfucker who has failed so many times, but nvr picked myself up.
Miss chua was the angel, but yet i treated her lyk a nobody.
Im such a loser.

Just now took a look at shanyi.
He's my junior, but it seems im the helpless junior.
He'ld be a role model, he could cope so well with his work, never complained bout cca, made a girl so happy with him & use his time so wisely.
& i feel lyk a loser.
I never did well in any tests or exams since sec sch, I enjoy cca but used it as an excuse nt to do my work, i always disappoint you, you who had put so much faith in me.
But all these were just excuses. i know im just lyk any normal guy, if i could change.
& i never did. I lied to so many ppl who nvr gave up on me. My parents, miss chua, my frens & the her i know i feel.
My parents, they've gone to the extent of nagging instead of scolding wanting me to work hard.
Miss chua, i've said i've always disappointed her.
The frens who spent time encouraging me, fighting with me. But i never repaid.
& you. I duno what to say. I dun even dare to tell u wat i feel. But thanks for everything i guess its enough leh.

But i guess its nt too late. I know i can, if i rlly wana change. I've gotta stop leading a bloke's life. I hafta repay all the help dat was given to me. I'm gona lead a new life. If i can. & i know i can. i can..
This might be the only opportunity i've got. If i dont change myself nobody can help me lehh.